Mental Picture

Earlier today, Chrissi fell asleep in my arms while I was working. I was just typing away when I realized she had already fallen asleep. I stopped and looked at her and I couldn't help but squeeze her a little tighter to hug her and give her a kiss on the forehead. 

There is a different peace when you see your child fall asleep on your chest or while cradled in your arms. For a moment you feel your breathing become deeper and slower and for a moment you feel like everything is in its place. Aside from the fact that it is literally a time for you to pause having to run after that crazy ball of energy, it's one of those moments that allow you to take a step back and just take everything in. A lot like Jim and Pam from "The Office" and their mental pictures.

For a while now I've been feeling burnt out, and I guess with everything happening I forgot to take a step back and pause. I would rest, but I never really took the time to pause and to really look at things and enjoy what's good about life. Yes, it's tiring being a work from home mom, but as a single mom I never thought I would have the opportunity to be able to watch my kids grow the way I am able to now. I thought I would be too consumed worrying about how to keep up with their needs that I wouldn't be as hands on as I would like, but this past year I've had the chance to do just that. The pandemic has been causing a lot of stress, but the work I've been taking on during the pandemic has allowed me to work on a lot of skills and learn new things I didn't think I would be able to do or learn. I definitely want this pandemic to end, but I do have to admit that even with all this chaos there are still things that make life worth living. 

Ang Ingay

Ang ingay nanaman ng mundo,
Litong-lito, gulong- gulo,
Sino nga ba ako?
Saan nga ba ako patungo?

Kailan ba magiging sapat?
Sa mundong ito bawat galaw may sukat
Tama na!
Pagod na pagod na ako
Pwede bang tumigil na lang dito?
Ayoko naaaaaaaa!

Hingang malalim
Lilipas din ito
Utak ko'y nanggugulo
Paano ba patahimikin toh?

Okay lang ako
Magiging okay din ako
Ang ingay ingay nanaman ng utak ko
Sa aking Ama'y nagsumamo

Tahan na, anak,
Sa Akin ika'y mahalaga
Sa Akin ika'y walang katumbas

Tumahimik ang mundo
Tumigil ang mga luha
Humiga at sa wakas ay nakatulog ng mahimbing

Transformation Challenge

                  Two weeks ago, I started working out at home again. This was mainly for my mental health but of course losing weight was part of the goal. Surprisingly even if it has only been two weeks I've been pretty happy with the results and the fact that I have been consistent in following through with the program.

          You see my weight has always been a struggle of mine. When I was younger I enjoyed eating sweets and loved good food, so much so that one day I encountered my best friend's tita and I was told to watch my weight if I didn't want to die of obesity. It made me want to lose weight so much that when I got back to school after summer some of my batch-mates thought I was a new student, but losing weight was just a start. It was maintaining the weight loss and more importantly being confident with my body that was more important and also more difficult.

                 I remember not eating rice for most of my days in high school just because I was so scared of gaining weight again. And then college came and I found myself gaining weight again. I committed to dropping sweets, bread, rice and pasta, basically carbs and made sure to do at least 15 minutes of cardio everyday. After 3 weeks I had lost 20 lbs, and yet I still struggled with so much insecurity. The thing is until today I struggle with my insecurities. For some reason even during those times that I was slimmer, I still felt that I was not good enough because there were many others sexier and prettier than I was. You see, much of how I felt about myself relied on the validation of society and because of this for the past 26 years I cannot recall a time that I was entirely proud of how I looked.

             This realization came after consecutively seeing old pictures of mine and I realized that I wasn't as big or ugly as I felt I was during those times. I realized that in my head I always thought of myself as being on the bigger side. I always based my own opinion of myself on the opinion of others, which should not be the case. You see, we all hold  on to this image we want of ourselves that we forget to acknowledge just how far we've come simply because we are yet to achieve our dream body.

      There is nothing wrong with having a version of ourselves that we work on to achieve, but it is also important that as we try to achieve that we find contentment in who we are today. It is definitely difficult to follow through but I am committing to loving myself and accepting myself for who I am today as I continue to work on my goals. Psalm 139:4 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." God made us unique and with such wonder and that alone should be a testament of how beautiful we all are.

     I know it's difficult to love yourself when so much of this world is critical about each and very aspect of how we look and who's smarter, better, sexier, more beautiful, but let that go, because it doesn't mean anything. This world is full of criticism but God says I made you and I love you exactly how you are today.

AMA Online Ed : How to Enroll

      I recently enrolled to AMA Online Ed to continue my studies. When I posted about this, I received a lot of inquiries about how I enrolled, the process, etc, and because of this I thought it would be fitting to write not just about the enrollment process but things I think you should know about before deciding to enroll.

Things you need to know:
1. What is AMA Online Ed?
This is basically the online learning site of AMA where they offer short courses, senior high, both Bachelor of Scients and Arts courses and even Masterals.

2. It requires self-study
This is not simillar to the way most schools are now shifting to online classes where there will be a conference call and a teacher discusses. Basically once you are enrolled the subjects will be activated and all the materials will be made available to you.

The lessons are presented as a course outline and each lesson is a hyperlink which directs you to a page that allows you to choose if you will watch the video lecture, view the presentation or read it as a module. You will not be able to proceed to the next lesson unless you finish the one prior to it and some require you taking a quiz before you can go to the next lesson.

Given how it works, this is best if you are the type who can self study. Everyone has different learning styles so please do assess if this is a setup you would be able to learn in. I came from the BPO industry wherein we had to learn the product in 1 month or less (depending on the account) and was exposed to web based training as well which is why I have no problem with this set up, but if you are the type that learns better when listening to a teacher discuss I don't think it would be a good fit for you. The video lecture option for the lessons is basically the powerpoint with voiceover so if you love having teachers that share stories to make the lesson easier to absorb or that provide various activities it may be a bit difficult for you to learn through this.

3. It is self paced

Since you are responsible for your own learning it is also up to you how quickly you will finish. Each subject has around 14 modules which you have 98 days to complete. You can extend but it would have additional charges.

Given that it's self paced the great thing is if you work dilligently you can finish quickly, however this can be a con if you have the tendency to procrastinate. No deadlines means it's really your eagerness and desire to learn that will drive you to finish.

4. Payment
The good thing about AMA Online Ed is that they provide convenient payment methods and provide installment options to make payments easier. There is 3% interest though if you decide to pay in installments which isn't too high and this installment option is not limited to those with a credit card.

Ideally each semester should be 8 subjects, however it is up to you how many you can take on. The minimum is 3 subjects at around 2,500 pesos each per semester plus 1,000 pesos admission fee. This along with the installment options makes it perfect for those who are on a budget. You are in control of exactly how much you will be spending.



Now if after learning all that you feel that you are ready to enroll here's how.

1. Go to https://amauonline.com/
2. Click on Apply Now

3. Fill out details

4. Wait for an e-mail with a registration link, once received click on the link. This is the part where you get to choose your course and where they collect your documents such as TOR, Birth Certificate, HS and/or College diploma

5. Wait for the e-mail which tells you if you were approved. Once received click the link which will now show you your course's curriculum and which subjects you previously took (if any) were credited.

6. This will also show you the 8 subjects for your first semester. This is the part where you get to decide what subjects you will enroll to and you will need to make your first payment.

If you want to pay in installments simply e-mail your admissions officer and they will give you a complete quotation and from there you can make your payment.

7. Once payment is made send your proof of payment to your admissions officer. Within 24 hrs from their receipt of your payment your subjects will be activated and you can start studying.

Hope this was helpful. Remember that every day is another chance to be the person you want to be. It's never too late to set new goals. 

The Pieces Fit

 
     On my way home the other day I decided to buy a snack for my son. A pack was 35 pesos each or you could get a bundle of three packs for a hundred pesos. Knowing that the 3 for 100 deal wasn't really much of a steal I wanted to just get 2 packs. One with chocolate filling the other with mango filling, but I felt this need to get 3, so I did.

    During my commute on my last jeepney ride, a beggar hopped on the jeepney and started giving out envelopes. As he was collecting the envelopes back i handed him one of the packs of marshmallows knowing in that moment that was the purpose of me buying 3. It definitely felt good knowing that I was able to share even something small to someone in need. 3 stops after another beggar rode and from feeling light I started to worry, because I wanted to keep the 2 packs for my son. As he was sitting waiting in case people would put something in the envelope I was praying, conflicted with what I was supposed to do. He was about to get the envelope he had left in front of me and as I was going to reach for the pack of marshmallows in my bag, an elderly man to his right tapped him and handed a bottle of softdrinks and crackers.

     That incident made me smile, not only because I git to keep the last 2 packs for my son but because I saw how in a span of 30 minutes I witnessed God's intricate plan unfold. If you find yourself wondering when your breakthrough will come and if there is hope for your situation think about how detailed His plan is on every minute of every day for us and the people around us. There are truly no accidents or coincidences with Him. Everything has been planned out and everything He has planned for each and every one of us will unfold in His perfect time.

A Daughter's Love

      I was going to dance for our acquaintance party. I was in the 1st grade and at this point I had been living with my grand aunt and uncle. From time to time I would have the chance to spend time with my father and my step mom but ultimately I was a young girl longing for more time with my dad.

        I remember all other parent's started arriving. My grand aunt had already arrived but dad was nowhere in sight. The program had started and still no daddy. I had accepted defeat and thought to myself that he wasn't going to come anymore. I had this thought that he had forgotten or had something better to do. Our dance number had started and I danced feeling a little defeated inside. After the performance as I was going to take my seat I was surprised to see my dad and he was teasing me saying that he knew I was looking for him and waiting anxiously for him and he had been there the whole time. I was kinda embarassed to admit that I was looking for him, but I couldn't hide the fact that I was very happy he was there.

        You see, I always talk about my dad with so much love and longing that people don't really know that I had very little time shared with my dad. Not because he passed away while I was young but because I didn't live with him.

       Truth is growing up I had this feeling that I was left behind and that he didn't love me like how much he loved my brother. I always thought that he didn't want me enough so I rarely showed him how much I really loved him when we were physically together, but the truth is I had so much love for him.

          Truth be told I had such high regard for my father. He always exuded so much confidence everywhere he was. He always had a smile on his face and somehow drew attention to him anywhere he went. He was also very tough and had this swagger. I idolized my father and thought he was one of the coolest people alive.

        Even if there was this part of me that felt somehow abandoned, I also found a bigger part of me enjoying every minute with him and just being at awe of him.

          I remember when my dad was operated and I visited him in the ICU he asked me to hug him but he was holding my right hand so it was difficult for me to actually hug him. I remember him making a remark that I didn't really love him, but the truth is I was so happy his surgery went well, but was too embarassed to show too much emotions.

        As I grew up, I slowly had a better understanding of what truly happened that had led me to being separated from him. That the truth is things happened the way they did because he just wanted what was best for me.

       If I regret anything it's not the lack of time I spent with him but the lack of emotion I showed when I had the chance to be with him. It's true what they say to take every chance you can to tell the people who matter that you love them. As much as possible try to overcome any ill feelings you may have if that person matters enough.

I love you, daddy. I always wish that we could have shared a few bottles of beer and I always wondered what you would do if you were still here. 

In the Mind

         I've always planned to write about this but never really got the chance. Every time I try to I end up junking the whole thing. I guess it has always been so difficult to put into words because it's so hard to bring justice to something so big and so complex. I guess there's also that fear of not knowing enough about it or judgement that I'm just being "maarte" or "madrama." So bear with me as I do my best to share this with you.

       So where do I start? When it actually began without me truly understanding what it was? When I became more aware that I wasn't alone? Or maybe when I was actually formally diagnosed?


Suicide and Self Harm

I remember I was 11 when I first attempted to kill myself. I lived with my great aunt and uncle and was surrounded by different types of medicine. Now before you start to get nervous let me tell you this was definitely not one of my most glorious attempts, because out of all the possibilities I chose to drink a few tablets of aspirin and loads of vitamin c. Funny actually, but I was so ready. After swallowing the pills I laid down on the couch waiting to feel anything. I thought it was going to be just like the movies, well I ended up falling asleep, but not for good. I woke up and realized I had failed.

Eleven and wanting to end it already? Must be the hormones, right? Well my dad had just passed away and I was blaming myself for it, because I regreted not making him feel how much I loved him. It was an accident but somehow I found a way to blame myself for it. That was also the time I learned to cut. I would use a cutter and make lines across my wrist. I never really went deep because to me it was just a way of hurting myself to feel a little bit of pain or sting and then I was done after a few lines. To me I didn't think it was anything more than grief maybe. Or maybe it was just a phase, it'll be over too.

I remember when I found out what happened to my dad it was the first day of classes after Christmas break. When Ate Ellie had told me all I said to her was "okay" and then when I was in the sala alone waiting for my grand aunt and uncle to go home from church I started crying. That was the first time I encountered feeling as if my heart was a compressor that with every breath it's like there was pain or pressure wanting to be released. And then my grand aunt and uncle arrived and they could tell I had cried and I said daddy was gone. They asked me if I wanted to go to school and I said that I had wanted to. I guess that was the first time I had learned to mask my emotions and get distracted from my thoughts by being surrounded by people, by being busy doing something. Throughout that day I only had to step out to go to the bathroom to cry once, and that was it, I was "okay." I would still cut from time to time, but I didn't really think it was a problem anymore because I never truly got hurt and besides no one really found out unless I told them.

I've had other incidents but I'll save that for some other day when I'm ready.

Dissociation

I used to play by myself at home because there were no children around. So the moment I got home from school I had no true company. I would pretend and make stories in my head. I would often be caught talking to myself. In my head everything was perfect. People liked me, I had friends, I was smart and good at everything. Pretty normal for a child right? But what if I was in my head so much that I had no sense of self?

I studied in an exclusive girls school and I used to want to fit in so much that I even resorted to lies. Lies that sometimes even I started to believe because they seemed to erase reality. Lies that got me confused about who I truly was.

Anxiety

Whenever I would go out with my friends I always took time getting ready. I would be so excited at the thought of going out and would be so happy as I started getting ready, but as I look at the mirror everything I wear and what I look like just isn't good enough until I start ti have this feeling if not wanting to go out anymore.

Sometimes I get so anxious I would grind my teeth. I'd be lucky if it only happens while I'm asleep but on bad days even when I'm wide awake my teeth start to grind.

I also developed this mannerism of keeping my hands close to my body. I clasp my hands or rub my fingers against my palm. Sometimes I also subconsciously run my fingers through my collar bone.

For the most part I thought that I was truly just being a teenager. That all the angst and feelings of abandonment and the lack of self esteem were just a part of growing up.

Until came the day that I started to realize that even on the days and ocassions I knew that I was happy, something was amiss. There was this numbness even if I was laughing. At that time I had the extra funds to have myself checked and there it was, the confirmation from a pyschiatrist that I was indeed depressed. I had high-functioning depression. She warned me that even if everything seemed like I could handle it if I didn't undergo therapy so I could be guided in processing my feelings there may be a time that something will trigger me to breakdown. Therapy was pretty costly so I didn't get to follow through and just like she had warned me a year after my last consultation I had a massive breakdown. That I'll share some other time.

Depression is more than just being sad and although the things I shared can happen to people without depression, I just wanted to also point out that we can't dismiss every thing right away as a "phase" or something that naturally goes away. There's a reason it's called "battling depression" because living with it is a constant fight with oneself.