Independence Day

          When we play a video game we are only given a certain number of lives, most of the time three, and once we've used all of them up it's the end of the game for us. That's how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have used up two of my lives and I'm scared to lose the last one. 

       At  the age of 19, I left home, and had to start from scratch. From living a life that was comfortable and sheltered, I had to face the real world and learn to fend for myself. I had to face the reality that life isn't as easy when you have to start paying your own bills and learned the hard way that I had not fully understood the privilege I once had. It opened my eyes to many new experiences, and taught me to be street smart. I also had to make the big decisions in my life since I had disconnected from my family and didn't really have much to confide in. It was filled with many great moments, and a lot of my character was built there. 

     And then at 25, I found myself as a single mom, pregnant with my second child to a man who had no sense of the word "responsibility," I felt so embarrassed  that I allowed that to happen, that I hid my pregnancy even from my own brother. I sustained the pregnancy, birth and care of my child on my own for as much as I could, until I found myself at a negative with the debt I incurred. I was at what seemed to be a dead end. Savings drained, feeling lost and alone (mainly due to my own doing since there were many people willing to help but I felt too guilty to reach out), I had no other way to go but to tell my brother what had happened and to my surprise he was more shocked I was able to hide it than he was angry at what I had done. He connected me to my uncle whose family was more than willing to take my children and I in. It was at this moment that I had started anew and started to rebuild myself from the inside. I started accepting the fact that there was a lot of trauma and anxiety that was keeping me from making meaningful connections, and more importantly this was when my relationship with God was built and I had learned the meaning of "Agape." 

    And now almost about to turn 28 I find myself wondering why I started being scared of taking chances and taking risks. I wonder why I feel guilty making choices that are mainly for me and my own benefit and not just the kids. I realized it's because I feel as though I have already struck out twice and I need to make sure I don't strike out a third, but as I think about it, I realized I am only about to turn 28 and that I am in real life not in some video game. That unlike a video game in life, every day that you wake up is  a chance to reinvent yourself. People change careers, make mistakes and reinvent themselves countless times in a life time. So should I chose I am still free to explore this thing called life, and am still free to make a mistake here and there, because I am human. 

    So today, a day late of Philippine Independence Day I free myself from the guilt and the fear of making a mistake, and embrace the fact that I am human. 

Para!

I originally posted this on Facebook 5 years ago. Posting this here because it's a story I want to share to more people.

I remember when I thought making my baon last through the day or making my allowance fit through a night out with friends was tough, boy was I wrong. 

There I was holding on to the last of my allowance, I was already away from home and working at my first job still hours away from my next paycheck. I couldn't afford to gas up if I wanted to make enough room for food and other miscellaneous expenses before cashing my check before work the next day. My clothing selection was limited since I haven't gotten around getting my clothes washed, and I ended up wearing a green maxi dress with a lace sweatshirt on top for work. I only took what I thought would be necessary for that day, bought myself 3 pcs of pandesal from pan de manila as my "breakfast" and headed to work. I decided I was going to take a jeep, ride the MRT to Magallanes and take the shuttle from Magallanes to Mckinley. Sounds like a good move right? Not if this is your first time taking this route and only have a specific budget set aside. So I merilly ate my pan de sal in the jeep, little did I know that when I asked the barker if it was going to pass by the MRT station I was thinking Santolan and he was thinking Cubao. 

When I realized that it was going a different route I decided to just observe and go down where most of the people went down, and so I did and I ended up having to walk from SM Cubao to the MRT station. As I was lining up to get my ticket I read the sign and realized that by taking the MRT from Cubao, it adds 2 pesos to my fare. No biggie, right? Wrong!  Because of that 2 pesos I ended up not having enough for the shuttle to Mckinley and instead walked all the way from Ecoplaza to Gate 3 . And to add a little drama the clouds decided to rain as I was walking. I honestly felt like I was going to cry, but I couldn't touch any of the money i had left if I wanted to eat during "lunch" (technically dinner but in the BPO industry it's lunch). 

Every time I remember this I laugh, because I was such a sissy for wanting to cry and I was so naive at handling my finances, but   today as I recalled this moment during my last call as my customer was cussing at me and telling me how much he needed the money because he had nowhere else to get funds from, I didn't laugh I remembered how hard it was when I left home and had to live on my own, how hard it was when I let anger and sadness fill my heart, and then I felt better thinking of where I am and who I am today. 

The past 3 years have been tough for me, and most definitely life changing. I learned to forgive myself for my mistakes and move forward. I truly understood the value of money, moreso than I ever did before. I let go of the things and people that were too toxic for me. I made ammends with those that mattered. I found and accepted who I truly am. 

If you find yourself in a rut, hold on. It's okay to be overwhelmed, it's okay to cry and maybe even be angry, but push yourself to get through each day and before you know it you'll be way past it. Believe me, I may not know exactly what you're going through, but what I do know is that it truly does get better. 

Being out of your comfort zone can be a real challenge but this is where character is built and change happens

Mental Picture

Earlier today, Chrissi fell asleep in my arms while I was working. I was just typing away when I realized she had already fallen asleep. I stopped and looked at her and I couldn't help but squeeze her a little tighter to hug her and give her a kiss on the forehead. 

There is a different peace when you see your child fall asleep on your chest or while cradled in your arms. For a moment you feel your breathing become deeper and slower and for a moment you feel like everything is in its place. Aside from the fact that it is literally a time for you to pause having to run after that crazy ball of energy, it's one of those moments that allow you to take a step back and just take everything in. A lot like Jim and Pam from "The Office" and their mental pictures.

For a while now I've been feeling burnt out, and I guess with everything happening I forgot to take a step back and pause. I would rest, but I never really took the time to pause and to really look at things and enjoy what's good about life. Yes, it's tiring being a work from home mom, but as a single mom I never thought I would have the opportunity to be able to watch my kids grow the way I am able to now. I thought I would be too consumed worrying about how to keep up with their needs that I wouldn't be as hands on as I would like, but this past year I've had the chance to do just that. The pandemic has been causing a lot of stress, but the work I've been taking on during the pandemic has allowed me to work on a lot of skills and learn new things I didn't think I would be able to do or learn. I definitely want this pandemic to end, but I do have to admit that even with all this chaos there are still things that make life worth living. 

Ang Ingay

Ang ingay nanaman ng mundo,
Litong-lito, gulong- gulo,
Sino nga ba ako?
Saan nga ba ako patungo?

Kailan ba magiging sapat?
Sa mundong ito bawat galaw may sukat
Tama na!
Pagod na pagod na ako
Pwede bang tumigil na lang dito?
Ayoko naaaaaaaa!

Hingang malalim
Lilipas din ito
Utak ko'y nanggugulo
Paano ba patahimikin toh?

Okay lang ako
Magiging okay din ako
Ang ingay ingay nanaman ng utak ko
Sa aking Ama'y nagsumamo

Tahan na, anak,
Sa Akin ika'y mahalaga
Sa Akin ika'y walang katumbas

Tumahimik ang mundo
Tumigil ang mga luha
Humiga at sa wakas ay nakatulog ng mahimbing

Transformation Challenge

                  Two weeks ago, I started working out at home again. This was mainly for my mental health but of course losing weight was part of the goal. Surprisingly even if it has only been two weeks I've been pretty happy with the results and the fact that I have been consistent in following through with the program.

          You see my weight has always been a struggle of mine. When I was younger I enjoyed eating sweets and loved good food, so much so that one day I encountered my best friend's tita and I was told to watch my weight if I didn't want to die of obesity. It made me want to lose weight so much that when I got back to school after summer some of my batch-mates thought I was a new student, but losing weight was just a start. It was maintaining the weight loss and more importantly being confident with my body that was more important and also more difficult.

                 I remember not eating rice for most of my days in high school just because I was so scared of gaining weight again. And then college came and I found myself gaining weight again. I committed to dropping sweets, bread, rice and pasta, basically carbs and made sure to do at least 15 minutes of cardio everyday. After 3 weeks I had lost 20 lbs, and yet I still struggled with so much insecurity. The thing is until today I struggle with my insecurities. For some reason even during those times that I was slimmer, I still felt that I was not good enough because there were many others sexier and prettier than I was. You see, much of how I felt about myself relied on the validation of society and because of this for the past 26 years I cannot recall a time that I was entirely proud of how I looked.

             This realization came after consecutively seeing old pictures of mine and I realized that I wasn't as big or ugly as I felt I was during those times. I realized that in my head I always thought of myself as being on the bigger side. I always based my own opinion of myself on the opinion of others, which should not be the case. You see, we all hold  on to this image we want of ourselves that we forget to acknowledge just how far we've come simply because we are yet to achieve our dream body.

      There is nothing wrong with having a version of ourselves that we work on to achieve, but it is also important that as we try to achieve that we find contentment in who we are today. It is definitely difficult to follow through but I am committing to loving myself and accepting myself for who I am today as I continue to work on my goals. Psalm 139:4 says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that full well." God made us unique and with such wonder and that alone should be a testament of how beautiful we all are.

     I know it's difficult to love yourself when so much of this world is critical about each and very aspect of how we look and who's smarter, better, sexier, more beautiful, but let that go, because it doesn't mean anything. This world is full of criticism but God says I made you and I love you exactly how you are today.

AMA Online Ed : How to Enroll

      I recently enrolled to AMA Online Ed to continue my studies. When I posted about this, I received a lot of inquiries about how I enrolled, the process, etc, and because of this I thought it would be fitting to write not just about the enrollment process but things I think you should know about before deciding to enroll.

Things you need to know:
1. What is AMA Online Ed?
This is basically the online learning site of AMA where they offer short courses, senior high, both Bachelor of Scients and Arts courses and even Masterals.

2. It requires self-study
This is not simillar to the way most schools are now shifting to online classes where there will be a conference call and a teacher discusses. Basically once you are enrolled the subjects will be activated and all the materials will be made available to you.

The lessons are presented as a course outline and each lesson is a hyperlink which directs you to a page that allows you to choose if you will watch the video lecture, view the presentation or read it as a module. You will not be able to proceed to the next lesson unless you finish the one prior to it and some require you taking a quiz before you can go to the next lesson.

Given how it works, this is best if you are the type who can self study. Everyone has different learning styles so please do assess if this is a setup you would be able to learn in. I came from the BPO industry wherein we had to learn the product in 1 month or less (depending on the account) and was exposed to web based training as well which is why I have no problem with this set up, but if you are the type that learns better when listening to a teacher discuss I don't think it would be a good fit for you. The video lecture option for the lessons is basically the powerpoint with voiceover so if you love having teachers that share stories to make the lesson easier to absorb or that provide various activities it may be a bit difficult for you to learn through this.

3. It is self paced

Since you are responsible for your own learning it is also up to you how quickly you will finish. Each subject has around 14 modules which you have 98 days to complete. You can extend but it would have additional charges.

Given that it's self paced the great thing is if you work dilligently you can finish quickly, however this can be a con if you have the tendency to procrastinate. No deadlines means it's really your eagerness and desire to learn that will drive you to finish.

4. Payment
The good thing about AMA Online Ed is that they provide convenient payment methods and provide installment options to make payments easier. There is 3% interest though if you decide to pay in installments which isn't too high and this installment option is not limited to those with a credit card.

Ideally each semester should be 8 subjects, however it is up to you how many you can take on. The minimum is 3 subjects at around 2,500 pesos each per semester plus 1,000 pesos admission fee. This along with the installment options makes it perfect for those who are on a budget. You are in control of exactly how much you will be spending.



Now if after learning all that you feel that you are ready to enroll here's how.

1. Go to https://amauonline.com/
2. Click on Apply Now

3. Fill out details

4. Wait for an e-mail with a registration link, once received click on the link. This is the part where you get to choose your course and where they collect your documents such as TOR, Birth Certificate, HS and/or College diploma

5. Wait for the e-mail which tells you if you were approved. Once received click the link which will now show you your course's curriculum and which subjects you previously took (if any) were credited.

6. This will also show you the 8 subjects for your first semester. This is the part where you get to decide what subjects you will enroll to and you will need to make your first payment.

If you want to pay in installments simply e-mail your admissions officer and they will give you a complete quotation and from there you can make your payment.

7. Once payment is made send your proof of payment to your admissions officer. Within 24 hrs from their receipt of your payment your subjects will be activated and you can start studying.

Hope this was helpful. Remember that every day is another chance to be the person you want to be. It's never too late to set new goals. 

The Pieces Fit

 
     On my way home the other day I decided to buy a snack for my son. A pack was 35 pesos each or you could get a bundle of three packs for a hundred pesos. Knowing that the 3 for 100 deal wasn't really much of a steal I wanted to just get 2 packs. One with chocolate filling the other with mango filling, but I felt this need to get 3, so I did.

    During my commute on my last jeepney ride, a beggar hopped on the jeepney and started giving out envelopes. As he was collecting the envelopes back i handed him one of the packs of marshmallows knowing in that moment that was the purpose of me buying 3. It definitely felt good knowing that I was able to share even something small to someone in need. 3 stops after another beggar rode and from feeling light I started to worry, because I wanted to keep the 2 packs for my son. As he was sitting waiting in case people would put something in the envelope I was praying, conflicted with what I was supposed to do. He was about to get the envelope he had left in front of me and as I was going to reach for the pack of marshmallows in my bag, an elderly man to his right tapped him and handed a bottle of softdrinks and crackers.

     That incident made me smile, not only because I git to keep the last 2 packs for my son but because I saw how in a span of 30 minutes I witnessed God's intricate plan unfold. If you find yourself wondering when your breakthrough will come and if there is hope for your situation think about how detailed His plan is on every minute of every day for us and the people around us. There are truly no accidents or coincidences with Him. Everything has been planned out and everything He has planned for each and every one of us will unfold in His perfect time.