When we play a video game we are only given a certain number of lives, most of the time three, and once we've used all of them up it's the end of the game for us. That's how I've been feeling lately. I feel as though I have used up two of my lives and I'm scared to lose the last one.
At the age of 19, I left home, and had to start from scratch. From living a life that was comfortable and sheltered, I had to face the real world and learn to fend for myself. I had to face the reality that life isn't as easy when you have to start paying your own bills and learned the hard way that I had not fully understood the privilege I once had. It opened my eyes to many new experiences, and taught me to be street smart. I also had to make the big decisions in my life since I had disconnected from my family and didn't really have much to confide in. It was filled with many great moments, and a lot of my character was built there.
And then at 25, I found myself as a single mom, pregnant with my second child to a man who had no sense of the word "responsibility," I felt so embarrassed that I allowed that to happen, that I hid my pregnancy even from my own brother. I sustained the pregnancy, birth and care of my child on my own for as much as I could, until I found myself at a negative with the debt I incurred. I was at what seemed to be a dead end. Savings drained, feeling lost and alone (mainly due to my own doing since there were many people willing to help but I felt too guilty to reach out), I had no other way to go but to tell my brother what had happened and to my surprise he was more shocked I was able to hide it than he was angry at what I had done. He connected me to my uncle whose family was more than willing to take my children and I in. It was at this moment that I had started anew and started to rebuild myself from the inside. I started accepting the fact that there was a lot of trauma and anxiety that was keeping me from making meaningful connections, and more importantly this was when my relationship with God was built and I had learned the meaning of "Agape."
And now almost about to turn 28 I find myself wondering why I started being scared of taking chances and taking risks. I wonder why I feel guilty making choices that are mainly for me and my own benefit and not just the kids. I realized it's because I feel as though I have already struck out twice and I need to make sure I don't strike out a third, but as I think about it, I realized I am only about to turn 28 and that I am in real life not in some video game. That unlike a video game in life, every day that you wake up is a chance to reinvent yourself. People change careers, make mistakes and reinvent themselves countless times in a life time. So should I chose I am still free to explore this thing called life, and am still free to make a mistake here and there, because I am human.
So today, a day late of Philippine Independence Day I free myself from the guilt and the fear of making a mistake, and embrace the fact that I am human.
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