I remember all other parent's started arriving. My grand aunt had already arrived but dad was nowhere in sight. The program had started and still no daddy. I had accepted defeat and thought to myself that he wasn't going to come anymore. I had this thought that he had forgotten or had something better to do. Our dance number had started and I danced feeling a little defeated inside. After the performance as I was going to take my seat I was surprised to see my dad and he was teasing me saying that he knew I was looking for him and waiting anxiously for him and he had been there the whole time. I was kinda embarassed to admit that I was looking for him, but I couldn't hide the fact that I was very happy he was there.
You see, I always talk about my dad with so much love and longing that people don't really know that I had very little time shared with my dad. Not because he passed away while I was young but because I didn't live with him.
Truth is growing up I had this feeling that I was left behind and that he didn't love me like how much he loved my brother. I always thought that he didn't want me enough so I rarely showed him how much I really loved him when we were physically together, but the truth is I had so much love for him.
Truth be told I had such high regard for my father. He always exuded so much confidence everywhere he was. He always had a smile on his face and somehow drew attention to him anywhere he went. He was also very tough and had this swagger. I idolized my father and thought he was one of the coolest people alive.
Even if there was this part of me that felt somehow abandoned, I also found a bigger part of me enjoying every minute with him and just being at awe of him.
I remember when my dad was operated and I visited him in the ICU he asked me to hug him but he was holding my right hand so it was difficult for me to actually hug him. I remember him making a remark that I didn't really love him, but the truth is I was so happy his surgery went well, but was too embarassed to show too much emotions.
As I grew up, I slowly had a better understanding of what truly happened that had led me to being separated from him. That the truth is things happened the way they did because he just wanted what was best for me.
If I regret anything it's not the lack of time I spent with him but the lack of emotion I showed when I had the chance to be with him. It's true what they say to take every chance you can to tell the people who matter that you love them. As much as possible try to overcome any ill feelings you may have if that person matters enough.
I love you, daddy. I always wish that we could have shared a few bottles of beer and I always wondered what you would do if you were still here.
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