In the Mind

         I've always planned to write about this but never really got the chance. Every time I try to I end up junking the whole thing. I guess it has always been so difficult to put into words because it's so hard to bring justice to something so big and so complex. I guess there's also that fear of not knowing enough about it or judgement that I'm just being "maarte" or "madrama." So bear with me as I do my best to share this with you.

       So where do I start? When it actually began without me truly understanding what it was? When I became more aware that I wasn't alone? Or maybe when I was actually formally diagnosed?


Suicide and Self Harm

I remember I was 11 when I first attempted to kill myself. I lived with my great aunt and uncle and was surrounded by different types of medicine. Now before you start to get nervous let me tell you this was definitely not one of my most glorious attempts, because out of all the possibilities I chose to drink a few tablets of aspirin and loads of vitamin c. Funny actually, but I was so ready. After swallowing the pills I laid down on the couch waiting to feel anything. I thought it was going to be just like the movies, well I ended up falling asleep, but not for good. I woke up and realized I had failed.

Eleven and wanting to end it already? Must be the hormones, right? Well my dad had just passed away and I was blaming myself for it, because I regreted not making him feel how much I loved him. It was an accident but somehow I found a way to blame myself for it. That was also the time I learned to cut. I would use a cutter and make lines across my wrist. I never really went deep because to me it was just a way of hurting myself to feel a little bit of pain or sting and then I was done after a few lines. To me I didn't think it was anything more than grief maybe. Or maybe it was just a phase, it'll be over too.

I remember when I found out what happened to my dad it was the first day of classes after Christmas break. When Ate Ellie had told me all I said to her was "okay" and then when I was in the sala alone waiting for my grand aunt and uncle to go home from church I started crying. That was the first time I encountered feeling as if my heart was a compressor that with every breath it's like there was pain or pressure wanting to be released. And then my grand aunt and uncle arrived and they could tell I had cried and I said daddy was gone. They asked me if I wanted to go to school and I said that I had wanted to. I guess that was the first time I had learned to mask my emotions and get distracted from my thoughts by being surrounded by people, by being busy doing something. Throughout that day I only had to step out to go to the bathroom to cry once, and that was it, I was "okay." I would still cut from time to time, but I didn't really think it was a problem anymore because I never truly got hurt and besides no one really found out unless I told them.

I've had other incidents but I'll save that for some other day when I'm ready.

Dissociation

I used to play by myself at home because there were no children around. So the moment I got home from school I had no true company. I would pretend and make stories in my head. I would often be caught talking to myself. In my head everything was perfect. People liked me, I had friends, I was smart and good at everything. Pretty normal for a child right? But what if I was in my head so much that I had no sense of self?

I studied in an exclusive girls school and I used to want to fit in so much that I even resorted to lies. Lies that sometimes even I started to believe because they seemed to erase reality. Lies that got me confused about who I truly was.

Anxiety

Whenever I would go out with my friends I always took time getting ready. I would be so excited at the thought of going out and would be so happy as I started getting ready, but as I look at the mirror everything I wear and what I look like just isn't good enough until I start ti have this feeling if not wanting to go out anymore.

Sometimes I get so anxious I would grind my teeth. I'd be lucky if it only happens while I'm asleep but on bad days even when I'm wide awake my teeth start to grind.

I also developed this mannerism of keeping my hands close to my body. I clasp my hands or rub my fingers against my palm. Sometimes I also subconsciously run my fingers through my collar bone.

For the most part I thought that I was truly just being a teenager. That all the angst and feelings of abandonment and the lack of self esteem were just a part of growing up.

Until came the day that I started to realize that even on the days and ocassions I knew that I was happy, something was amiss. There was this numbness even if I was laughing. At that time I had the extra funds to have myself checked and there it was, the confirmation from a pyschiatrist that I was indeed depressed. I had high-functioning depression. She warned me that even if everything seemed like I could handle it if I didn't undergo therapy so I could be guided in processing my feelings there may be a time that something will trigger me to breakdown. Therapy was pretty costly so I didn't get to follow through and just like she had warned me a year after my last consultation I had a massive breakdown. That I'll share some other time.

Depression is more than just being sad and although the things I shared can happen to people without depression, I just wanted to also point out that we can't dismiss every thing right away as a "phase" or something that naturally goes away. There's a reason it's called "battling depression" because living with it is a constant fight with oneself.