A Daughter's Love

      I was going to dance for our acquaintance party. I was in the 1st grade and at this point I had been living with my grand aunt and uncle. From time to time I would have the chance to spend time with my father and my step mom but ultimately I was a young girl longing for more time with my dad.

        I remember all other parent's started arriving. My grand aunt had already arrived but dad was nowhere in sight. The program had started and still no daddy. I had accepted defeat and thought to myself that he wasn't going to come anymore. I had this thought that he had forgotten or had something better to do. Our dance number had started and I danced feeling a little defeated inside. After the performance as I was going to take my seat I was surprised to see my dad and he was teasing me saying that he knew I was looking for him and waiting anxiously for him and he had been there the whole time. I was kinda embarassed to admit that I was looking for him, but I couldn't hide the fact that I was very happy he was there.

        You see, I always talk about my dad with so much love and longing that people don't really know that I had very little time shared with my dad. Not because he passed away while I was young but because I didn't live with him.

       Truth is growing up I had this feeling that I was left behind and that he didn't love me like how much he loved my brother. I always thought that he didn't want me enough so I rarely showed him how much I really loved him when we were physically together, but the truth is I had so much love for him.

          Truth be told I had such high regard for my father. He always exuded so much confidence everywhere he was. He always had a smile on his face and somehow drew attention to him anywhere he went. He was also very tough and had this swagger. I idolized my father and thought he was one of the coolest people alive.

        Even if there was this part of me that felt somehow abandoned, I also found a bigger part of me enjoying every minute with him and just being at awe of him.

          I remember when my dad was operated and I visited him in the ICU he asked me to hug him but he was holding my right hand so it was difficult for me to actually hug him. I remember him making a remark that I didn't really love him, but the truth is I was so happy his surgery went well, but was too embarassed to show too much emotions.

        As I grew up, I slowly had a better understanding of what truly happened that had led me to being separated from him. That the truth is things happened the way they did because he just wanted what was best for me.

       If I regret anything it's not the lack of time I spent with him but the lack of emotion I showed when I had the chance to be with him. It's true what they say to take every chance you can to tell the people who matter that you love them. As much as possible try to overcome any ill feelings you may have if that person matters enough.

I love you, daddy. I always wish that we could have shared a few bottles of beer and I always wondered what you would do if you were still here. 

In the Mind

         I've always planned to write about this but never really got the chance. Every time I try to I end up junking the whole thing. I guess it has always been so difficult to put into words because it's so hard to bring justice to something so big and so complex. I guess there's also that fear of not knowing enough about it or judgement that I'm just being "maarte" or "madrama." So bear with me as I do my best to share this with you.

       So where do I start? When it actually began without me truly understanding what it was? When I became more aware that I wasn't alone? Or maybe when I was actually formally diagnosed?


Suicide and Self Harm

I remember I was 11 when I first attempted to kill myself. I lived with my great aunt and uncle and was surrounded by different types of medicine. Now before you start to get nervous let me tell you this was definitely not one of my most glorious attempts, because out of all the possibilities I chose to drink a few tablets of aspirin and loads of vitamin c. Funny actually, but I was so ready. After swallowing the pills I laid down on the couch waiting to feel anything. I thought it was going to be just like the movies, well I ended up falling asleep, but not for good. I woke up and realized I had failed.

Eleven and wanting to end it already? Must be the hormones, right? Well my dad had just passed away and I was blaming myself for it, because I regreted not making him feel how much I loved him. It was an accident but somehow I found a way to blame myself for it. That was also the time I learned to cut. I would use a cutter and make lines across my wrist. I never really went deep because to me it was just a way of hurting myself to feel a little bit of pain or sting and then I was done after a few lines. To me I didn't think it was anything more than grief maybe. Or maybe it was just a phase, it'll be over too.

I remember when I found out what happened to my dad it was the first day of classes after Christmas break. When Ate Ellie had told me all I said to her was "okay" and then when I was in the sala alone waiting for my grand aunt and uncle to go home from church I started crying. That was the first time I encountered feeling as if my heart was a compressor that with every breath it's like there was pain or pressure wanting to be released. And then my grand aunt and uncle arrived and they could tell I had cried and I said daddy was gone. They asked me if I wanted to go to school and I said that I had wanted to. I guess that was the first time I had learned to mask my emotions and get distracted from my thoughts by being surrounded by people, by being busy doing something. Throughout that day I only had to step out to go to the bathroom to cry once, and that was it, I was "okay." I would still cut from time to time, but I didn't really think it was a problem anymore because I never truly got hurt and besides no one really found out unless I told them.

I've had other incidents but I'll save that for some other day when I'm ready.

Dissociation

I used to play by myself at home because there were no children around. So the moment I got home from school I had no true company. I would pretend and make stories in my head. I would often be caught talking to myself. In my head everything was perfect. People liked me, I had friends, I was smart and good at everything. Pretty normal for a child right? But what if I was in my head so much that I had no sense of self?

I studied in an exclusive girls school and I used to want to fit in so much that I even resorted to lies. Lies that sometimes even I started to believe because they seemed to erase reality. Lies that got me confused about who I truly was.

Anxiety

Whenever I would go out with my friends I always took time getting ready. I would be so excited at the thought of going out and would be so happy as I started getting ready, but as I look at the mirror everything I wear and what I look like just isn't good enough until I start ti have this feeling if not wanting to go out anymore.

Sometimes I get so anxious I would grind my teeth. I'd be lucky if it only happens while I'm asleep but on bad days even when I'm wide awake my teeth start to grind.

I also developed this mannerism of keeping my hands close to my body. I clasp my hands or rub my fingers against my palm. Sometimes I also subconsciously run my fingers through my collar bone.

For the most part I thought that I was truly just being a teenager. That all the angst and feelings of abandonment and the lack of self esteem were just a part of growing up.

Until came the day that I started to realize that even on the days and ocassions I knew that I was happy, something was amiss. There was this numbness even if I was laughing. At that time I had the extra funds to have myself checked and there it was, the confirmation from a pyschiatrist that I was indeed depressed. I had high-functioning depression. She warned me that even if everything seemed like I could handle it if I didn't undergo therapy so I could be guided in processing my feelings there may be a time that something will trigger me to breakdown. Therapy was pretty costly so I didn't get to follow through and just like she had warned me a year after my last consultation I had a massive breakdown. That I'll share some other time.

Depression is more than just being sad and although the things I shared can happen to people without depression, I just wanted to also point out that we can't dismiss every thing right away as a "phase" or something that naturally goes away. There's a reason it's called "battling depression" because living with it is a constant fight with oneself.

I am a mother because of you

I am a mother because of you 

My dearest Lucas, 

You taught me patience, patience not only for you but for myself too. That it's impossible for me to know everything about motherhood all at once and that's okay.

You taught me love, the kind that is willing to forgive, the kind that is willing to accept, the kind that is selfless and unconditional. 

You taught me happiness, the kind that isn't only seen in smiles but even in tears of overwhelming joy. 

My sweet little Chrissy, 

You have taught me strength. The kind that fights no matter how difficult the circumstance. 

You have taught me forgiveness, the kind that doesn't require an apology. 

You have taught me faith. 

You two are my greatest treasures. 

Everything may not be perfect but I will do my best to give you a happy life.

To all mommas, single dads, Ates or Kuyas that have taken the role of a parent, 

Happy Mother's day! You are doing a great job, even on the days you feel like you have fallen short, especially then. 

All in

I was once scared to gamble,
Always on the sidelines playing along in my head,
wondering every time I was right "what if I had made a bet?"
But the thought of losing scared me

Even just a little seemed too much to risk
But one day you sat beside me and told me to let go just a little
"Have a little fun" you said, holding a beer in one hand and my heart in the other

So I placed a bet
Started winning a little here and there
I had forgotten about the chance of losing
I had started going all in
Lost in the high of the adrenaline rush

Then it happened, I had lost
I looked at you and you gave me a pat on the back, shrugged your elbows and said "tough luck kid" then you smiled, winked and walked off to the next table

I got lost in the fun of it all I had forgotten you've been doing this a long time,
You were betting lose change while i was betting everything I had earned my whole lifetime

Tips for Expecting Moms

    Being pregnant can be a pretty overwhelming experience, especially if it's your first pregnancy. Here are some of the things I've picked up from my pregnancy that I want to share with other expecting moms.

1. There is more than one way to go about things

       I made sure to make this number 1 because I feel that this is one of the most important things to know and remember when pregnant. You see, every woman and every pregnancy is different and just because what your going through is different from what your sisters, friends or even celebrities experienced does not make your pregnancy less beautiful than theirs.

     Always remember that even if you do things differently than other pregnant women, does not mean you are a bad mother. Why do I say this? Because often times people tend to over step and comment about what you do while pregnant. Although they have the best intentions, sometimes people tend to voice out their opinions in an offensive manner. I personally have learned that I tend to be pretty pale when I am pregnant. I was borderline anemic during my pregnancy, even when I made sure to drink my vitamins and iron supplement regularly, and people couldn't help but comment about it, and would sometimes even question if I was taking care of myself. I often times found myself crying about it (WOAH! Hormones alert! I know), but after getting my post partum CBC results and seeing that I was far from being anemic, I realized that it was simply how my body reacted to my pregnancy and not because of something I did or didn't do.

     Whether you continue to workout regularly, dye your hair (yes, some OBs permit their patients to dye their hair as long as its during the latter part of the pregnancy and that its ammonia free dye), continue to drink a controlled amount of caffeine,as long as you're heading the advice of your medical practioner don't allow unsolicited advice to get you down.

2. Don't scratch! Make sure to moisturize, moisturize, moisturize!

     This is a trick I learned from my mom. She had 5 kids and no stretch marks. I know your belly can be pretty itchy especially during the third trimester, but resist the temptation and moisturize the area instead. Aside from putting lotion after every bath, I also put lotion when I start to feel the urge to scratch. I also heard from an office mate that his wife and a lot of their friends attest to Extra Virgin Coconut Oil helping keep those stretch marks at bay.

3. Water is your new best friend

      Staying hydrated is very important for pregnant women, and it's a good way to prevent UTI. I unfortunately learned this the hard way and had several cases of UTI during my pregnancy, thankfully nothing too serious that I needed to be confined and attached to an IV.

      I work in the BPO industry and in the beginning I would use my breaks to drink 2-3 glasses of water, because I've always been too lazy (and too forgetful) to bring a tumbler of water, but eventually I felt the urge to drink more often and I ended up bringing a tumbler everyday. It's also good to have water with you at all times, just in case you have morning sickness (or in my case eat, sleep, throw up, repeat).

4. Read, Read Read. Learn, learn learn

    Every day there are new discoveries and inventions and because of this there are a lot more decisions to be made when it comes to motherhood and parenting. Are you going to go for the Epidural or will you save it as a last resort? Will you breast feed or formula feed? If your baby is a boy will you have him circumcised after birth? Will you buy this brand or that? So many things to decide on and so many things to learn. Honestly, this is something I wish I did more of when I was pregnant because there are a lot of things I'm learning now that would've come in handy back then. Read books, browse on the internet (make sure to read from reliable sources) and discuss things with fellow moms. This will help you make decisions that you are confident in.

5. Enjoy it! 

     Morning sickness, swollen feet, weight gain, doesn't sound too fabulous I know, but believe me once it's over you'll find yourself reminiscing about your pregnancy and maybe even find yourself missing it.  There will be moments like when you feel your baby kick for the first time and when you first see your baby via ultrasound, that  you just want to stay in forever. Cherish those moments, take a picture, write about it on a journal, anything that will help you go back into that moment.


    Hope this helped and have a healthy and happy pregnancy!

Reset

        I've always enjoyed writing and because of that I thought that blogging would come second nature to me, but it proved very difficult to maintain a blog without a clear "theme," forgive me for the lack of a better term. After numerous failed blogs, today I come back with a clearer idea of the direction I want to take this blog. This post signifies the shift of this blog to focus on posts relating to motherhood, babies and family life. What better way to begin this transition than by sharing with you my birth story.

     After careful thought I decided that I wanted to skip the epidural, yes, I was willing to experience labor and all its agonizing glory. I mentally and physically prepared myself for the contractions, I made sure to walk daily, I did birthing exercises, and my O.B. even asked me to start taking Evening Primrose Oil on my 36th week.

       I successfully reached my 37th week with no complications. That was it, my baby was full term and even if I ended up delivering prior to my due date it would be fine. I was excited and almost every possible scenario of how I was to give birth crossed my mind, all except what actually happened

       I was set for a check up with my O.B. who holds a clinic in Patients First at Glorietta every Sunday evening . As usual we were at Glorietta by 4 pm, anticipating the long line for my O.B, and to no surprise I was still 8th in line despite getting there early. By 6 pm it was still far from my turn, so Jim and I decided that it would be best for him to start shopping without me. Although it would be my first time to be alone at a check up, I wasn't worried since I was feeling okay and I was already at ease with my OB. After an hour or so it was finally my turn. After an Internal Exam, Dra. predicted that I would give birth any time the following week, so she already gave me instructions on what signs to look out for and even gave me a piece of paper with her admission instructions just in case I would need to be rushed to the hospital and she wasn't there yet. She gave me another prescription for Evening Primrose Oil and that was the end of the first half of my checkup..It's part of my O.B's routine to check the heartbeat of my baby every check up via ultrasound.

    As she checked the baby's heartbeat everything seemed to be normal, until she noticed that my amniotic fluid level was extremely low. She then instructed me to contact Jim and ask him to return to Patient First so that we could discuss what had to be done. As I waited for Jim at the hallway, my heart was racing. Everyone said that when your water breaks you'd know, well I didn't. Yes, I knew I could give birth any time and that there's always a risk of having a C-section, but for some reason having a C-section was something that I didn't feel the need to prepare for. I was successful at holding the tears back until I saw Jim and I started to tell him what happened. He consoled me and we waited patiently until we were called back into my O.B.s clinic. She gave us instructions on what to do next.

       We went home to have dinner and pick up our hospital bag and headed straight to Parañaque Doctors. My doctor had already phoned and provided instructions to the attending OB GYN at the ER. I was sent to the labor room and there they strapped a fetal heart rate monitor on my tummy and induced me. My OB wanted to give normal delivery a fair shot, so they would closely monitor my baby’s heart beat with every contraction to see if he could handle me going through labor. I was nervous, but I was thankful that like me, my baby was a fighter. After an hour, they examined me to find out that my cervix has not opened even 1 cm. A few minutes later, my O.B. arrived and even before she said it I already called it. I told her that I understood that even if my baby could handle the contractions right now, I was nowhere near labor and that the risk of him strangling on his cord gets higher the longer I postpone the delivery. They called Jim in and notified him that I was going to undergo a C-section. He held my hand and told me to be strong, and I started getting teary eyed when he left.

     I think that was the hardest part of delivering via C-section, the fact that you go through the process alone. I was wheeled in the operating room, and as I was being prepped for surgery I felt like I was in “Grey’s Anatomy” while the nurse started writing my name and stats on the white board. I was listening intently as the anaesthesiologist was explaining to me what I should expect from the anaesthesia and during the operation. She said that it was not supposed to make me sleepy, but maybe because it was already 2 am I felt my eyelids getting heavy. I was in and out of sleep during the surgery and before I knew it I heard my baby crying. For some reason I couldn’t help myself but say “aww” upon hearing his voice. They carried him beside me for pictures, and latched him onto me for a few minutes and then they brought him to the NICU. He had to be put under observation in the NICU because I experienced recurring UTI during my pregnancy and there is a chance that he may have been infected, but thankfully after 24 hrs he was roomed in as everything was okay.

      A lot of people were surprised by the fact that as soon as the anaesthesia wore off I started sitting up straight and a just a few hours later I was already on my feet. I guess it was because I witnessed what a fighter my son was and that energized me to fight through the pain of my stitches just so I could carry him and so that I could visit him in the nursery every 3 hrs to breastfeed. There’s a different strength that overcomes you once you hold your child in your arms.

      It’s been 4 months since that day, but until this very day I still recall some of the details vividly. I guess you can never  forget the day that changes your life forever. 

Lucido-L, Will You Join Me on My Journey?

           People wake up to bad hair days, I on the other hand was born into a lifetime of constant hair troubles. My mom has thick, curly, and unruly hair, which thanks to years of experience dealing with it she is able to manipulate it to her liking. On the other side of the punnett square, my dad’s side of the family is known for having thick, wavy hair. Unfortunately for me, I had the worst of both worlds.

         

          When I was a toddler and up to my early childhood, I was fooled into believing that I had nice hair, just because it never really gave me any problems. I'd have it cut short, and sometimes grow it up to chin level, which wasn't pretty bad. Our helpers would tie my hair in a quarter ponytail, braid it, and it would look good, but genetics caught up with me soon enough. By the second grade after deciding I wanted to grow out my hair thick, curly, frizzy hair welcomed me into reality.

           Of course growing up, I was jealous of my classmates, especially coming from an exclusive all girl's school, surrounded by schoolmates whose mothers would help them and teach them the ropes of grooming their hair. I on the other hand, grew up with my father's aunt since the time my parents separated, and she was born with beautiful thin, straight, smooth hair, so there was really no one to guide me as to how to deal with my hair. She was also unaware of the different salon treatments offered for the hair, and even if she did she found that it was a waste of money.

         Thankfully I was able to experience having long, straight, silky-looking hair when I finally convince my grandaunt to allow me to get my hair rebonded as a gift for my 13th birthday. Of course, my hair had to grow out soon enough and I was back to having thick, unruly, curly hair. After being introduced to bangs, I just felt as though I could never live without. 

      Sometime during high school, I was finally given the chance to spend more time with my mother, who not only paid for my next rebonding treatment, but introduced me to what I thought would be the solution to my problems, blow drying. I didn't have the right equipment at home, so I would rely on visits to the salon and my mom's hair stylist, who eventually became mine as well, to work their magic. 

      Back in high school, we weren't allowed to get our hair colored, so by the time I hit my freshman year in college I was introduced to hair dye. My hair isn't just black, it's jet black, to the point that some people thought I had my hair dyed black. Don't get me wrong, I don't completely hate having black hair, it's just that it started to seem boring to just stick to one color, and I always loved the way my features would appear differently because of the change in my hair color. I highly favored having light hair over dark, which is why at one point I even resorted to bleaching. 

     I've been introduced to different things with regards to my hair, but one thing I never really adapted for myself was hair care. I always seemed to blame genetics for the condition of my hair, which is completely wrong. That's why I've decided after torturing my hair for far too long that I was going to establish my own hair care routine. 

    And as if sent as a sign by the hair gods, one of my favorite bloggers, Tricia Gosingtian, blogged about the secret to her beautiful, lively hair despite having her hair colored, bleached, and frequently styled, Lucido-L products. 

  

    I really want to try their Treatment Oil Perm, because its not so much my hair being curly or thick that I hate, but it being dry and how it frizzes so quickly. I've been starting to try out conditioners which are a bit stronger compared to other conditioners, because they were meant to correct certain hair problems, however thanks to Tricia's blog I found out that maybe it's not only the product which I'm using that prevents my hair from being moisturized properly but its inability to lock moisture in, and the Lucido-L Treatment Oil Perm helps with that. 

   Also, as a part of my journey to better hair, I have taken it upon myself to learn how to style my own hair, which would include blow drying my hair more frequently, and even running it through an iron here and there, but before I can do that I must first protect my hair using a heat protectant. Lucido-L's Styling Milk Curl would be perfect for the job. 

     I can't wait to finally find the hair care routine perfect for me, and I'm hoping that Lucido-L will be a part of my journey to better hair.